i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
