I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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