I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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