Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
