You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
there was a trapeze. enough said
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
