I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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