I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
