i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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