Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
