They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
