Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...