I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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