i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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