I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
