I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
