Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
FUCK WHALES
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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