I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
