i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
