Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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