I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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