"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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