sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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