Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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