She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
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After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
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just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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