just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
