I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
