Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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