My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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