i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
