So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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