We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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