Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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