I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's shark week go big or go home
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
