drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
