Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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