May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
