miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Woke up backwards on a recliner
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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