just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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