my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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