I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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