I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
