Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i am craving dick and cupcakes
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
