i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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