Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
