My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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