Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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