I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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