I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
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but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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