Im at strip club and am horny
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
