i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
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She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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