oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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