if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
