I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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