I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
