I should be sponsored by Trojan
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
